nordul magnetic. și nordul geografic: bancuri intelectuale

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?"

The first logician says "I don't know."

The second logician says "I don't know."

The third logician says "Yes!"

Heisenberg runs around shouting his exact speed

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving, and get pulled over. Heisenberg is in the driver's seat, the officer asks "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!" The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and yells at the two men, "Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrodinger angrily yells back, "We do now, asshole!"

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!".

Another mathematician and engineer joke (with a physicist)

Three professionals, a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer, took their final test for the job. The sole question in the exam was "how much is one plus one".

The math dude asked the receptionist for a ream of paper, two hours later, he said: I have proven its a natural number

The physicist, after checking parallax error and quantum tables said: its between 1.9999999999, and 2.0000000001

The engineer quicly said: oh! its easy! its two,.... no, better make it three, just to be safe.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer are on a golf course behind an especially slow group.

When the marshal comes around, they decide to ask him what the deal is.

He tells them the slow play is because it is a group of blind firefighters, who saved the clubhouse from a fire that blinded them, so they get to play for free.

The pastor proclaims "That is terrible, I will say a prayer for them."

The doctor says "I can contact an ophthalmologist friend who has done wonders with the blind."

The engineer asks "Why don't they just play at night?"

I was taking a CPR class at work with our engineering department and the instructor asked "what's the best way to stop bleeding?" An engineer raised his hand and in all seriousness said "stop the heart!"

During the French revolution a priest, a drunk and an engineer are sent to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are hired by a farmer to build a fence that would enclose the largest amount of area possible.

The engineer decides to build a circular fence, since it was the most practical way of enclosing the most area.

The physicist starts building an infinitely long, straight fence that would encircle half the world.

The mathematician builds a small, round fence around only himself and says, "I declare myself to be on the outside!"

A programmers wife sends him to the store and says "get some bread, and while you're there pick up some eggs" The programmer never came back.

http://jsfiddle.net/UGA7t/

according to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?

Fünf.

Back in the cold war the Pentagon builds the worlds most advanced Artificial Intelligence, that is said to be able to answer all questions.

The machine is finally ready, they ask him the all important quesion:

Would the Soviet Union, or the United States win the nuclear war?

Machine answers after hours of thinking:

Yes.

They are quite disappointed with this answer so they ask again:

Yes, but what?

The answer comes promptly:

-Yes SIR!

You can keep your engineering inside jokes, us other sciences are just fine with our women and our lack of employability.

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog

A neutrino orders a beer, and then he walks into a bar.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day and said "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.

The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.

At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, "A solution exists!", and heads back into his room.

the edited version.

[Keep the same until the end of the physicist paragraph]

Then the mathematician awakens, and finds that the embers of the fire are still burning. After giving much thought to the problem, he gets up and lights it up to an actual fire. Then he goes back to sleep, satisfied that the problem has been reduced to a previously solved one.

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting outside of a bar when two men walk into the house across the road…

Ten minutes later, three men walk out.

The physicist looks confused and says “There must an error in the measurements.”

The biologist retorts “No, they must have reproduced!”

To which the mathematician says “If one person goes inside, the house will be empty.”