"That's no large hadron collider, that's my wife!"
Which is why she smelled so funny
then i realised.. it was my daughter!
Dude he's not an eggplant, he's retarded.
I can make that in one shot
Only 10,000 people went down on the Titanic.
"I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
But you fuck one goat.
Fitting in.
I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
Both are fucking close to water.
I'll have a Coke!
"I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!"
But what came out was "You ruined my life you stupid fucking bitch."
The parents were at work and the kids were at school.
*** Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"
1 I have to be told how to do EVERYTHING one time at a new job. I've used a million fax machines/copy machines/phones, but you still have to show me how to use it. Once. Every procedure and policy must be explained to me in excruciating detail. But only one time.
2 I always say "mortality". No further explanation is needed. Makes them laugh every time, and you don't have to risk telling your potential employers that you give 0 fucks...it's implied.
*** A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
*** A horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager. The barman is amazed but pours the pint, gives it to the horse and says 'that's £7 please'. The horse pays wordlessly and slowly sips at the pint until the barman says 'do you know, I've never served a horse in this bar before'. The horse says 'I'm not surprised at £7 a pint'.
*** While talking to girl
"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
"No, what?"
"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."
You can change the statistics and the details to something far more embarrassing.
I text my girlfriend:
"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
Her response:
"shower heads lol"
*** A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
The father asks, "What happened?"
"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet," the dad replies.
The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?"
"They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked.
"That's what I said" the boy replies.
(a popular Russian joke )
*** And so the penguin says, "He's not an eggplant, he's retarded".
***A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
*** A biologist, physicist, and statistician all decide to go on a faculty deer bow hunt. They spot a deer in a clearing and the biologist says. "I know where to hit the deer so it will fall down instantly and we won't have to run after it and find it after we hit it. The biologist fires, but it falls drastically short. The deer looks up, but is not spooked enough to run away. The physicist says "you need to learn a thing or two about projectile motion." The physicist fires, but he strikes a tree about two feet away from the deer. The statistician yells out "We got him!!!"
*** How do statisticians stay at a comfortable temperature? They put their feet into fire and head into ice water.
*** ??? Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a mathematician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, the mathematician gets up to leave. When the physicist and the chemist see him leaving they ask where he's going. He replies "I've looked at all the variables and determined that a solution exists."
*** ??? A Mechanical Engineer, a Electrical Engineer, and a Software Engineer are coming down the mountain after their ski trip. When suddenly the brakes seem to fail and the car goes careening down the mountain. The driver manages to keep the car under control (more or less) until it rolls to a stop at the bottom of the mountain. The Mechanical Engineer jumps out and starts checking the brake pads and tires to try to find where the fault occurred. The Electrical Engineer pops the hood and starts investigating the circuits, looking for the point of failure. The Software Engineer says, "Let's take it back to the top and see if we can get a repro."
Which is why she smelled so funny
then i realised.. it was my daughter!
Dude he's not an eggplant, he's retarded.
I can make that in one shot
Only 10,000 people went down on the Titanic.
"I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
But you fuck one goat.
Fitting in.
I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
Both are fucking close to water.
I'll have a Coke!
"I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!"
But what came out was "You ruined my life you stupid fucking bitch."
The parents were at work and the kids were at school.
*** Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"
1 I have to be told how to do EVERYTHING one time at a new job. I've used a million fax machines/copy machines/phones, but you still have to show me how to use it. Once. Every procedure and policy must be explained to me in excruciating detail. But only one time.
2 I always say "mortality". No further explanation is needed. Makes them laugh every time, and you don't have to risk telling your potential employers that you give 0 fucks...it's implied.
*** A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
*** A horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager. The barman is amazed but pours the pint, gives it to the horse and says 'that's £7 please'. The horse pays wordlessly and slowly sips at the pint until the barman says 'do you know, I've never served a horse in this bar before'. The horse says 'I'm not surprised at £7 a pint'.
*** While talking to girl
"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
"No, what?"
"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."
You can change the statistics and the details to something far more embarrassing.
I text my girlfriend:
"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
Her response:
"shower heads lol"
*** A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
The father asks, "What happened?"
"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet," the dad replies.
The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?"
"They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked.
"That's what I said" the boy replies.
(a popular Russian joke )
*** And so the penguin says, "He's not an eggplant, he's retarded".
***A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
*** A biologist, physicist, and statistician all decide to go on a faculty deer bow hunt. They spot a deer in a clearing and the biologist says. "I know where to hit the deer so it will fall down instantly and we won't have to run after it and find it after we hit it. The biologist fires, but it falls drastically short. The deer looks up, but is not spooked enough to run away. The physicist says "you need to learn a thing or two about projectile motion." The physicist fires, but he strikes a tree about two feet away from the deer. The statistician yells out "We got him!!!"
*** How do statisticians stay at a comfortable temperature? They put their feet into fire and head into ice water.
*** ??? Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a mathematician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, the mathematician gets up to leave. When the physicist and the chemist see him leaving they ask where he's going. He replies "I've looked at all the variables and determined that a solution exists."
*** ??? A Mechanical Engineer, a Electrical Engineer, and a Software Engineer are coming down the mountain after their ski trip. When suddenly the brakes seem to fail and the car goes careening down the mountain. The driver manages to keep the car under control (more or less) until it rolls to a stop at the bottom of the mountain. The Mechanical Engineer jumps out and starts checking the brake pads and tires to try to find where the fault occurred. The Electrical Engineer pops the hood and starts investigating the circuits, looking for the point of failure. The Software Engineer says, "Let's take it back to the top and see if we can get a repro."
